Being a Good Ally to the Trans Community
Pronouns
Pronouns are what we use to refer to someone without using their name and using someone’s chosen pronouns is a sign of respect and recognition of someone’s humanity. They aren’t inconsequential, but they are vital. Pronouns help a trans person move comfortably through their day-to-day life, without mental, emotional, or physical threat.
Subject |
Object |
Possessive |
Pronunciations |
||
Gendered |
she | her | hers | shee, her, herz | |
| he | him | his | hee, him, hiz | ||
Gender-Neutral |
they | them | theirs | tha, them, therz | |
| ze | hir | hirs | zhee, here, heres | ||
| ze | zir | zirs | zhee, zhere, zheres | ||
| xe | xem | xyrs | zhee, zhem, zheres | ||
While socially, we are used to hearing he/him and she/her pronouns to refer to a singular person, some people use “they” as a singular pronoun. Singular “they” is most commonly used by someone who identifies outside of the male and female genders, otherwise known as nonbinary.
While some of these words may seem like new pronouns, in reality most of them have been used for centuries.
Always begin by asking someone for their correct pronouns. Even if you think someone isn’t transgender, it’s best to make this a regular process and ask everyone. However, be mindful that not everyone is comfortable answering this question, especially if they are been singled out in a group. As such, it’s best to ask everyone in a group for their pronouns and also add that they can share or not share as they feel comfortable. That way, trans people aren’t isolated and treated differently from other peers and can feel more comfortable in a group.
The best way to grow accustomed to using someone’s chosen pronouns is to believe them. When someone introduces themself with their pronouns, it shows a sign of trust and strength. The best thing we can do to applaud someone for this level of vulnerability is to believe and affirm who they say they are. When someone doesn’t believe a trans person who shares their identity, it can lead to severe harm and distress to the sharer.
Furthermore: practice. Practice saying their name and pronouns, so that you can express to them that you value their presence in your life. Trans people understand that mistakes will happen, and that’s okay. However, trans people also can tell when someone is actively working to respect them or actively choosing to disrespect them.
Making an honest mistake with someone’s name or pronoun will always happen, and that process is harder for some than it is for others. If you are having a hard time, remember that your intent is still appreciated and meaningful, and ask the person in your life what you can do to best support them.
Language to Adopt and Avoid
Language matters. Learning common phrases, questions and words to adopt and avoid can help you be a more supportive ally to trans people in both your family and community.
Don’t Use These |
Use These |
|---|---|
| Transgenders/Transgendered/transgenderism | Trans person/trans man/trans woman |
| Transsexual/Transsexualism | Transgender |
| Transgender as a noun (ex. he is a transgender) | Transgender as an adjective (ex. he is transgender) |
| Preferred pronouns/preferred gender | Pronouns/gender; True/correct pronouns/gender. Being trans isn't a choice, and using the language of "preferred" takes away the importance of addressing someone correctly. |
| "tr*nny" | *THIS IS A SLUR AND SHOULD NEVER BE USED BY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT TRANSGENDER* |
| Gender Incongruence/Gender Identity Disorder/Body Dysmorphia/Gender Incontinence | Gender Dysphoria |
| Biological male/biological female | Sex isn't the same as gender; using language about biology is a tactic to "other" and dehumanize trans people; refer to gender identity unless otherwise specified based on a trans person's comfortability.
If a discussion regarding sex is needed, use the phrases “assigned male at birth” or “assigned female at birth” |
| “ladies and gentlemen,” “men and women,” “boys and girls” | Such phrases should be avoided, as they isolate many trans and nonbinary people. While there’s not a direct gender-neutral phrase that can replace these, broader phrases such as “everybody,” “all people,” or “children” may work to replace these in some contexts. |
Questions to Avoid
Avoid Asking These Questions |
Reason |
|---|---|
| What is your real name? | The name that a trans person has chosen is their real name, not the name they were assigned at birth. Most trans people are uncomfortable sharing their name given at birth, but if they do share it, it’s crucial that you don’t call them that name. Instead of inquiring about their birth name, avoid the topic altogether. |
| Have you had "the" surgery? | Regardless of whether someone is transgender or not, it’s seen as offensive and improper to ask about their body parts. A trans person’s surgical status is private information, and it’s inappropriate to inquire about. |
| When did you become transgender? | Being trans is something that is innate within a person, and not something someone “becomes” over time. Instead, if someone is open to talking about their transgender status, ask “when did you begin your transition?” Or even “when did you realize you were trans?” |
| How do you have sex? | A person's intimate sexual life should be left private to them, regardless of whether or not that person is trans. |
How to approach learning experiences
We live under a system of power where we’re conditioned to behave a certain way with regards to gender and sex, and as such, mistakes are bound to be made. It’s a vulnerable process to learn something new and mess up every now and then in the process of unlearning all that’s been taught about gender identity. However, it’s important to stay open to corrections. Here are some ways to respond to corrections that communicate your intention for learning more:
- The most important thing you can do is listen. When speaking to a trans/gender non-conforming person about their life/trans topics in general, it’s important that you give them the proper attention they deserve. Instead of interrupting or interjecting your own opinions, listen to what they have to say. While you have an idea about what being trans and nonbinary means, they have a lived experience and wisdom with trans issues. Trans people face the discrimination in front of them every day, and it’s important to give them respect for those experiences and knowledge.
- When corrected about someone’s name or pronouns, don’t be overly apologetic. If you made an honest mistake, there’s no need to apologize. Instead of apologizing and explaining why you messed up or how hard it is to learn, it’s most effective to say “thank you” and continue the conversation with the correction in mind. By doing this, you communicate that you respect the person with you, and you don’t get caught up in your own personal excuse narrative.
- When asking questions, make sure you ask a trans person if asking questions about their identity/trans issues is okay with them first. While your continued process of learning is important, not every trans person has the capacity to be a part of that process.
- You may accidentally ask an inappropriate question, and that’s okay too! If someone shares that they’re uncomfortable answering a certain question, respect that choice and move forward. If they’re comfortable answering why that question is inappropriate, feel free to ask and learn more.
Remember that trans people are not monolithic – there are many differences among people within the trans community. Just like cisgender (non-transgender) people, the trans community includes people from various political parties, religions, races or ethnicities, etc. Trans people will differ in their level of comfort with these questions or their opinions on topics, which is why it’s always important to ask rather than just assume.
